Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
He just posted pic of sad weiner and half a butt cheek. That is it. I HATE online dating.
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
