I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
It was like getting head from an anaconda
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
Randomize
