maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
