so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
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he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
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How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
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