Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
From now on I'd like to be known as Rampage.
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
Randomize
