So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
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