There was an extended period of my adolescent life where my friends and I would get high, drive around in my minivan listening exclusively to the wu tang clan, and intentionally crash into snowbanks
She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
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