textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
I vaguely remember walking down the highstreet with a plate of K offering lines to passers buy. I sold a line to a taxi driver.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
Randomize
