The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
