If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
Bad news is im a slut again. Good news is its with people ive been a slut with before.
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
