How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
well i did feel guilty about it. until i saw how hot the guy was the next day. now, nothing but pride.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
Blood and glitter go together right?
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
how do do this?
do what? Keep standing? Choose between 2 guys?
keep making boys cry?
Randomize
