He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
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And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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