So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
Is it wrong to scream your own name when about to bust?
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
Randomize
