You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
