i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
