so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
Randomize
