Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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