Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
He's a Shit stain on my heart
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Randomize
