the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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