wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
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