so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
