Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
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