Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
Randomize
