I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
all I remember was being half naked drinking water on my hands and knees from her dogs water bowl.
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
her dad gauges his nipple piercings.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
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