Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
Is this going to be a big send off or a somber occasion? Just need to know if I should start drinking on the train or not.
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
Randomize
