When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
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