woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
Randomize
