Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
Randomize
