just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
i failed horribly. studying for that final was as pointless as Vinnie is to Jersey Shore
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
Randomize
