whoever gets the blood i just donated is getting a shit ton of free thc
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
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