I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
I missed Saved by the Bell this morning, but Ashley in a later episode of Fresh Prince is keeping the morning wood alive.
i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
Randomize
