I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
Randomize
