I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
laying naked on couch sucking water through straw. i can still feel the orgasm from last night. thank you mdma.
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
While all the other girls were trying to out skut the next, Cameron was just doing cartwheels around the bar. I think she's the only one who got laid.
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
so he had an ashton kutcher Kelso haircurt. dude, we're in our mid to late 20s, I don't think we can ridicule guys for having hair anymore.
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
Never joke about your clitoris.
Randomize
