The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Randomize
