After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Randomize
