I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Randomize
