he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
The seats are awesome but you see two of each player.
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
M WATCHING THE HISTORY CHANNEL AND IT SAID THAT WHEN THE LUST PART OF THE BRAIN IS ACTIVATED THE JUDGEMENT PART IS NOT. THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
