Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
watching spice world high feels so wrong yet so right
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
