I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
Randomize
