You'd love this place it's beautiful. Plus these people smell like garlic
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
I'm hosting my annual valentine's day party tomorrow with every hookup I've ever had. thoughts on how it will turn out ??
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Randomize
