She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
Your French couch surfers have just started playing flip cup with old crow. Basically you need to come back here
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
Randomize
