Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
Good. You are like the clit whisperer.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
you definitely made a grilled cheese using your iron..
ya and it worked didnt it??
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
I fill condoms, not promises.
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
Randomize
