a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
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