Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
Randomize
