blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
