my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
Randomize
