He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
just got double teamed by two guys I will be on beach patrol with this summer. six months until the season starts and I'm already 'that girl.'
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
