You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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