She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
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