$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
So the bros are yelling at another bro to get that dildo off the roof. And there is indeed a dildo looking object on the roof.
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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