now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
