I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
I know they r crazy. However porn on a big screen is an easy commitment. They come with mute, stop, fast fwd and replay buttons. if only all women came that way...
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
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