She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
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