I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
Someone shat in the 1st floor west girls hall. Literally SHAT in the hallway
That's what she gets for taking his peeps.
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
Randomize
