Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
Wow. The LSU Tennessee game is on here and the LSU cheerleaders are stupid hot. Its weird having a hard on. At a bar. On a Wednesday. By yourself.
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
Randomize
