so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
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