I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
